Author: Fog

–Gianmarco Soresi

I’ve been going through another low.

I haven’t gone to the gym in days, my heart just feels like its hanging at my knees.

My clean laundry is my new bedfellow every night.

I haven’t tracked my food intake or kept up with supplements…

I have a massage today and I get to tell her that, like all the others I promised to not be, I didn’t do the calisthenics she recommended and that I was so eager to try.

I’ve been falling into and for strangers that are absolutely not right for me in one way or another.

I just feel so tired all of the time.

I lack hope.

But just like every other slump I’ve fallen into, I will come out. I will find a goal, as I’ve been striving to. My goal is finding a goal… Kind of funny. I will overcome and thrive. The last month, I was closer to who I wanted to be, despite everything. One bad week isn’t everything.

Yes, I wanted to be happily married with kids by now. Married only once, twice at most. I wanted to be a stay at home wife that kept a home perfect and my family fed healthily. I wanted to be the wife and mom that was healthy, fit, social, loved. My image I thought I wanted would have me with an 8 year old right now. Could you imagine?

That version of me had to have had far less to overcome, though, and I need to remember that. The real version of me with an 8 year old would’ve been in a bad marriage with someone who resented me and was cruel. The stay at home wife would’ve been staying with a catfish. The wealthy home owning wife me would’ve been in a picture perfect home that felt like a cruel prison where I was the only one to know how my husband really was.

I’ve endured and overcome to be free right now. Even though, along the way, I forgot how to care for myself and be social, I am free with endless possibility. Sure I look as 34 as I am. Someone will love that. If not, I will be free.

My only true captors are my finances and my inner monologue. This image of what I thought I wanted life to be doesn’t need to be my third captor. That version of life was just a copy paste of other, more confident peoples’ lives anyway- People that haven’t endured what I did, or saw the world like I have. Some are living through misery of their own for the goals they want.

My overall goal? Freedom, happiness, and loving my fellow human. Doing what I can for others.

Maybe I’ll go tackle that laundry pile before the massage appointment.

I really love having this friend around. I’m so sad to know that they’ll be leaving to their next adventure soon, but I’m grateful for the time we already had and still have left.

I haven’t really had friendships that felt mutual here, so this is very bittersweet. They accept my weird. I’ll miss that.

I’ve been writing songs since I was able to put words together. Unfortunately, the ability to actually put the vivid and thorough songs in my mind to something people can actually hear is a skill that always evaded me. For a brief stint, during Covid, I did learn ukulele and wrote some sad songs, but I believe they’re all gone now.

Recently, I got back into it. I’m painfully new and anyone with skill, or even not, could tell.

Here’s my recent lament and practice piece, A Memory. Short, not very sweet, and words were only added to troubleshoot a tempo/playback issue.

Mind your volume levels.

I was gaslit for 3 years of my life. By pure luck and going against him to check facts one single time, I unraveled the truth and my marriage. Every so often, I catch myself wondering if it was all so bad, because it all came from a place of insecurity. This blog entry is, in part, to remind myself just how much was done. This is irredeemable.

I am unsure how long it will take to learn to trust again, or once I do, how to balance it without being naive. He has completely destabilized my grip on reality.

Army

• Told me he would show me around London when I was there, because he’d done ceremonial duties and thus knew the lay of the land.
• When he made an off-color joke in front of the Kensington Palace facial recognition cameras about the IRA, he said it wouldn’t affect his job. Maybe no ceremonial duties for a while.
• Multiple WELL photoshopped pictures of him in uniform, on deployment, or on ceremonial duty.
• Said he lived an hour and a half away from the base to enjoy a better work-life balance.
• Drove all the way out to said Army base just to be seen having gone there on snapchat maps.
• Gave me his deceased friend’s rank patches, passed them as “his old rank patches”
• Gave me an “old jacket from when he was skinnier” that was actually just a memento from visiting or working at a base.
• Told me he’d prefer I stay away from the other Army wives because its too much drama.
• Wore a photorealistic uniform to call me “after a meeting” and “right before he goes to change.”
• Claimed to be a sharp shooter and corrected me when I called him a sniper. I then later called him a sharp shooter and he corrected me and said he was a sniper.
• A gopher was causing issues in our lawn. He could not, in fact, shoot the gopher over the span of weeks while visiting. He could rarely hit a stagnant target. He claimed the scope was misaligned and spent the remainder of the time “trying to fix it.”
• Claimed the texturing on the back of his head was from an IED in Afghanistan, an event that caused casualties of people he knew. It was from an assault in his school days.
• Told my grandma, who adored him for him, that he met many royals in passing while doing ceremonial duties. Had realistic and believable stories to back this up.
• Claimed countless times that he played Pokémon Go within Buckingham Palace’s fence line.
• Would disappear many times for “training” and come back with injuries, claiming he cant say much but it was training related, like sparring. He later clarified that these were excursions for job hunting and he’d hit his head. Job hunting doesn’t require a week or more of travel in the UK. The truth is still unknown, but I struggle to believe it’s infidelity due to… Marketability.
• My distant cousin from Wales flirted with me on 23andMe. He threatened him when catching a discrepancy, saying stolen valor has major penalties. The audacity, honestly.
• Said we couldn’t post pictures of our marriage ceremony on social media because of his position.
• We made a friend in a coffee shop, a veteran recently discharged from the American Army. Also a Sergeant. After making friends and exchanging numbers, he never wanted to go back into the coffee shop, always claiming it was a high anxiety day, or he wasn’t dressed for being out in public, so he’d wait in the car.

Life

• I was sent to therapy by an ex for not trusting him around platonic friends, and it later came out that he had dated them. Being gaslit into therapy was traumatizing for me. He knew this. That being said, he sent me to therapy for my trust issues in him because my gut screamed at me about his service and lack of effort around the visa process.
• He forged a document saying he had freehold ownership of the land and home he lived in. When confronted in couples therapy about this, he said that I didn’t understand the UK realty systems and that he owned the home, not the land. That would’ve been a leasehold. The only way to confirm is to call the government, which could land him in jail, fined up to 10k, and evicted. He said to do it. After the session, he said he wanted a divorce.
• Initially “coming clean,” he said he gave up the house to the council for repairs he couldn’t afford around the time he was discharged in 2024. The government page showing ownership implied the council had owned the home for FAR longer.
• He never told his family about our marriage. He never told his family about our marriage. He claimed to tell his sister, as she was the only one he was close to due to abuse and conflicting dynamics. He said he hoped I never met anyone but her. When with me for 3 months, he told his dad he was with me and he said “You’re with who?” as if it were a funny aside.
• He accused me very often of trying to use his past traumas against him when I’d point out a logical fallacy surrounding his judgement of an entire people.
• I went on mental health leave due to caregiver fatigue, work stress, and a multitude of issues. He flew over to help me out. I proceeded to spend 3 months taking care of him like a toddler, cooking every meal, buying every need, getting paid back when possible, but no tabs were kept, doing his laundry and helping to stretch out every piece, every day.
  • I’d asked him when he would cook a dinner, because he once offered, and he was incredibly upset that I’d stress him out like that because he didn’t know how American appliances or measurements worked.
  • I’d asked him to mix a box of Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits with water and cheese- he messed it up and became so anxious that he had to lay down and was upset that I caused it.
  • I asked him to do dishes and I caught him halfway in washing them with clearly marked hand soap.
  • He let me spend half of my mental health leave due to caregiver fatigue- BEING HIS CARETAKER AND BECOMING MORE EXHAUSTED. I cannot stress how hard it is to qualify for such leave in the USA. I was in desperate need. He robbed me of my health and time.
  • He’d even suggested he extend his stay to the maximum legal time, for therapeutic momentum around our communication and trust issues.

I truly hope there will be a day I can trust men again. I really do. All I’ve ever wanted in life was to find my person, have them be as honest and loving as I am to them, and be happy. It really feels like the world is hellbent on sending me just the right people to destroy that hope. I don’t know why I can’t find someone who is as transparent as I am with them.

One thing will always stay true- I will never be afraid to leave once I’m aware that the trust and feeling of safety is gone. I only need to strengthening my skill at telling when that is. With a chaotic upbringing and diagnosed level 1 autism, it’s difficult, but I will never give up.

This post will be updated occasionally as memories unlock.

I’ve been eating well and going to the gym every day for a week. Before that, I regularly walked along the canal roads an hour and a half each day. Sadly, its the season for countryside dangers to start coming out in those areas, like rattlesnakes, so I took it to the gym.

On Monday, I had a session with a personal trainer to learn proper form for lifting and it WRECKED me. On a machine the last guy did 160 on, I did 20- and I was wrecked after the session. Its Wednesday and I’m still suffering in my triceps. As I get more used to lifting in general, I know this won’t be a prevalent thing, even as I add weight. That day could not come any sooner. My sister recommended creatine for this kind of pain, so I ordered some and I’ll be starting soon.

Luckily, the week before all this, I walked past a massage place in the same building as my friend’s coffee shop. They advertised Thai massage, which is something I’ve never tried before. I decided to treat myself and signed up. It couldn’t have been better self-induced luck, because it’s the perfect massage type for muscle recovery. It’s a lot of assisted stretching. She might even be able to help my hip issue in time.

I hope I recover enough by tomorrow to be able to do my second lifting session after I have coffee with my friend, but Friday always works, too. That might be even better, honestly. The earlier I go, the better. Less people to watch me fumble with the machines.

I bought a calendar, stamps, and stickers to keep a physical visual track of what I do in a day- cardio, lifting, laser treatments, grip strength thing, massage, all that. I feel way more comfortable keeping personal data in a physical form. Its kind of fun, too; like giving myself a gold star.

Clean With Bea

A needs-based, free-of-charge cleaner based in the UK. She’s been at it for years, bringing to light mental health awareness and the “ugly” side of depression, anxiety, hoarding, and other conditions. Initially from her own pocket in her free time, she’s been able to monetize and get sponsored for her cleans by brands like Scrub Daddy. No detail goes missed, and if things need to be thrown out, she does her absolute best to make the client feel at home with replacements. Truly a labor of love, enlightening, educational, and motivating. She does both short form and 50min-hour+ long videos, so there’s something for everyone.

Nemo’s Dreamscapes

A soundscape channel. He paints vivid imagery of a place to mentally disappear to, including everything you need to close your eyes and be there. A natural scene will have every element that hits your ears, while a coffee shop could be raining outside and playing vintage music. You can even disappear to a drive-in theater with crickets chirping, wind blowing, and vintage music sounding like its coming through the speaker hooked to your window. He’s even posted his own covers of oldies. Nemo’s channel is a wonderful mental respite, for background noise, sleep, or any need you may have.

GAKHED

Want to feel like you’re watching an old VHS tape that you found at Goodwill? Or feel like you’re experiencing a memory you forgot a long time ago? GAKHED has you covered. From their project of filming LoFi clips of empty retail with calming original music to their seasonal collections of cats enjoying the outdoors, you are sure to be mentally transported away. Stress melts away with these project clips.

Drunk History

Old and from the mainstream, but I see it as what TV could have been. They gather historians and famous people alike to study up on a tale from history, get drunk, and retell it. With the audio, actors reenact the story- slurring, miswording, and giggles all included. While not the best way to get the complete and total facts, it’s an excellent way to find topics to look into further, or just learn the gist while having a fun watch.

Humano Studios

In a world full of AI music and recommendations sold to the highest bidder, Humano Studios is a breath of fresh air. These DJ sets have a magnitude of genres, music noted in the description, and are around 10 songs long each. It’s the best way to put on something while you work or clean, all while likely finding a new favorite song in the process. It helps that the DJs have amazing vibes.

Epicurious

Whether you are curious what a chef would recommend of store products with a blind taste test, or you just need some background noise of people talking, this channel is an absolute win. Who would’ve thought the second best in ALL of the grocery store marinara would be Great Value? They explain their reasoning and some food science behind their thought processes.

What we consume has a major impact on us. Everyone knows that. Everyone acknowledges the choices they take on risk and reward when it comes to comfort food, exercise, a little treat at Target, and so on.

But social media? All bets are off. It’s built to keep us looking. The best emotions to keep you looking are negative ones, a lingering survival mechanism from our caveman days. Fear, anger, and self-righteousness are the major three. Sure, you may get a funny animal video, some absurdist surreal thing, or good ol’ brain rot, but they don’t get you for long.

What keeps your eyes lingering?

Your favorite talking head making The Other Guy look dumb in an argument? Better watch every video they ever put out to confirm my bias, no matter if they edited out well-made arguments against them.

Watching the news with your cortisol spiked while you tell yourself it’s for the noble cause of being responsible and informed? You already watched six news pieces on The Bad Thing and they all said the same thing- how informed can you get?

Oh, another person with a Facebook science degree making a Short/Reel/TikTok on how thoroughly tested science is now bad. Better stress myself out by reading the comments!

It truly doesn’t have a political affiliation, age, race, nationality, or education level. We as a species are very good at looking all around us in every direction except up. It isn’t left vs right, it’s rich vs poor with the illusion of choices, and rules we can vote for that we can pretend apply to even the most powerful.

Similarly, we have the illusion of choice with our algorithms. It starts off light with your basic data that you use to sign up with.

“Okay, this is a female in her 20’s and living in California. We will give her this gift basket and see what treats she spends more time with. Well, she ate the chocolates immediately. She put on the bracelet, took a picture with it, and quickly forgot about it. However, she kept staring at the dried fruit with disgust. She then called her friend to complain that it was even included in her basket. So, if we want her to keep spending time looking at our gift baskets, we will put some chocolate right on top, next time she visits. Once she’s happy, we will have to work in some dried mango. Enough to at least get her to call that friend back. We don’t want her to stop coming for baskets, though, so under that mango, we will put a matching necklace to go with the bracelet. Honestly, we aren’t too worried that she wont come back for more, though. We can tell that she loves having a reason to call this friend and rant.”

Paired with cookies and other web traffic trackers, every website then compiles what they were able to glean from your looking habits and sell it to each other, compiling information to a point where it could honestly know you better than yourself. Yes, even the big companies do this. Its worse now, given that natural human tendencies on all major social medias are being used to train AI to mimic human interaction more fluidly. The more closely related to an AI company the social media platform is, the worse it gets, due to your ‘permission’ being tucked away in updated Terms Of Service. Even browsers and their extensions that are constantly on will sell all of this data to whoever wants it.

So, you are what you consume. Every rage-bait political post, or confirmation bias piece. What now?

Eventually, you would need to start looking at the opposite viewpoint. Not dismissing everything unflattering about “your guy” as nonsense, but truly understanding why the other half thinks this. That’s for later, though.

You need brain rehab.

Immediately skip anything that is upsetting or gives pride. Anything that is showing a new thing to spend your hard earned money on.

Ideally, of course, you’d deactivate everything and pick up some physical pastimes, but that just isn’t the world we live in.

Second-ideally, make a new account and don’t give it time to decide what you want- immediately follow hobbies, good news channels, hope-core, informationals, recipe channels, virtual book club groups; anything to feed a different part of your soul that isn’t used to polarization. If you see a creator slip in some of that, unfollow/block. Limit how long you will spend on these sites, even with the calm content. Cultivate some real world, unscreened interest.

There’s no amount of time that magically rehabs you. You’ll probably find that this is what you wanted all along, anyway, and stick to it. If you want to get back to that kind of media, though, remember to equally watch news and information from all perspectives without bias. Question everything. Be informed, not confirmed. We have enough going on in our lives and, without even realizing it, our brains want to take the easy path, hear what we want to hear, believe it, and call it being informed. It isn’t. Its brain junk food.

Additionally, if you have friends still addicted to the fear/pride mongering content and you add them on your new account full of good vibes, their habits will still be suggested to you.

Social media responsibly, friends.

“AI is the root of all evil and deprivation of Earth’s resources.”

“If you use AI, you’re literally liquifying your brain.“

“You can always tell when you’re talking to someone who uses AI because they can’t even string a thought together.“

As someone who works in the AI infrastructure realm, I get it. My employer has heavily pushed us to use AI in any possible way. If we don’t use it enough, they put together volunteer teams to reach out to the rest of the employee base to find out why. Before we even had it, we had to coddle and prioritize space for the robots they attempted and failed to replace us with. I’ve physically looked robotic and AI job replacement in the ‘eye’.

I’m also an autistic person that was diagnosed, in part, because I struggle very hard at putting words to what I feel (along with a myriad of other issues). I use AI to practice it. This does not take the place of friends, family, or therapy. It is a tool. It doesn’t feel. It doesn’t think. I’m under no belief that LLM tools are my friend, lover, or therapist. I delete my chat histories and use VPNs. It doesn’t “know” me.

But this tool has truthfully helped me name what I feel. I’m getting far better at doing so on my own now. Problems with root causes that I’ve struggled to name or pinpoint are becoming clear because of this practice.

I’ve struggled greatly with money management, a keystone trait of nearly every AuDHD club member. I always have my bills paid, never have missed a payment in all of my years, but the rest… is a mess. I spent a lot on virtual currencies, skins, games, intangible things. It was easier. I would spend $150 on SecondLife and only flinch for a moment, but I’d bellyache over spending the same on a real piece of furniture that would actually help my life for years to come. The lack of logic annoyed the hell out of me, but I couldn’t stop the pattern.

Practicing expressing and digging into the “why” of what I feel without annoying or burdening the people I love, or dropping an additional fortune on my existing therapy sessions, has helped.

I have a problem with minimizing myself. I can’t be seen having a need. I take care of people. A coworker shakes my chair when I’m holding a full cup of coffee, and I instantly comfort him for his panic over hurting me. My husband tears apart my entire reality and I instantly acknowledge how hard it must’ve been to keep up lying to me for 3 years. I can’t stop.

Never before practicing digging into myself without a real audience, could I have realized not just that pattern, but how it linked to my shopping. Spending on virtual, intangible goods was treating myself invisibly. Nobody could judge me for wanting or needing. Nobody could comment about it being a waste. Nobody could see me struggle once the bill came. Nobody could say ‘well maybe if you didn’t buy xyz…’ Same for buying lunch for people, gifts, so on. I could feel useful, show my very real care for the person in a way that made sense to them, and nobody would have to know the impact it had on me.

I was trained since I could comprehend that I didn’t matter unless I was useful or appeasing. Needing was annoying to others, even if the need was basic communication. Having an opinion was punishable. Family, friends, school, work… I learned this lesson over and over, until I began to even get engaged to people who happily played their part in these roles.

A well-off husband from a reputable family that lashes out when I do not play the perfect wife role.

A man-child still sleeping in his bunk bed with his Toy Story sheets that can’t let go of other women’s attention and secretly plotted to be my stay-at-home husband (that refused to even learn how to do laundry?).

A whole fabrication of a person, fooling everyone in my life that met him.

I minimize myself because it’s the only thing I’ve ever known to do to deserve space. The returns are diminishing, to say the very least. Years of therapy didn’t unlock that, somehow. It was absolutely useful in it’s own right and still is. I go regularly enough. Practicing naming my feelings to an LLM, using the tool intentionally, carefully, and with limited purpose has helped me, though.

I know there are plenty of people who do overuse it, to the point of self-destruction. My workplace has me fearing just how intentional that is. Most necessities to modern life come at a large cost in some detached way that we say “It’s not great, but what can we do?” The key will always be moderation, intention, and discretion. In my personal life, I like to think I balanced this well. A few months of practicing has likely saved me another decade of pain, wasted money, moving without intention in this world, and accepting being tolerated.

“If you’re feeling lost, maybe you’re exactly where you need to be to find yourself.“

I can’t believe I ever had a Myspace or took a coding class, but I finally got this made. I have a place to thought-vomit. Now time to pass out.