The Lengths He Went To

I was gaslit for 3 years of my life. By pure luck and going against him to check facts one single time, I unraveled the truth and my marriage. Every so often, I catch myself wondering if it was all so bad, because it all came from a place of insecurity. This blog entry is, in part, to remind myself just how much was done. This is irredeemable.

I am unsure how long it will take to learn to trust again, or once I do, how to balance it without being naive. He has completely destabilized my grip on reality.

Army

• Told me he would show me around London when I was there, because he’d done ceremonial duties and thus knew the lay of the land.
• When he made an off-color joke in front of the Kensington Palace facial recognition cameras about the IRA, he said it wouldn’t affect his job. Maybe no ceremonial duties for a while.
• Multiple WELL photoshopped pictures of him in uniform, on deployment, or on ceremonial duty.
• Said he lived an hour and a half away from the base to enjoy a better work-life balance.
• Drove all the way out to said Army base just to be seen having gone there on snapchat maps.
• Gave me his deceased friend’s rank patches, passed them as “his old rank patches”
• Gave me an “old jacket from when he was skinnier” that was actually just a memento from visiting or working at a base.
• Told me he’d prefer I stay away from the other Army wives because its too much drama.
• Wore a photorealistic uniform to call me “after a meeting” and “right before he goes to change.”
• Claimed to be a sharp shooter and corrected me when I called him a sniper. I then later called him a sharp shooter and he corrected me and said he was a sniper.
• A gopher was causing issues in our lawn. He could not, in fact, shoot the gopher over the span of weeks while visiting. He could rarely hit a stagnant target. He claimed the scope was misaligned and spent the remainder of the time “trying to fix it.”
• Claimed the texturing on the back of his head was from an IED in Afghanistan, an event that caused casualties of people he knew. It was from an assault in his school days.
• Told my grandma, who adored him for him, that he met many royals in passing while doing ceremonial duties. Had realistic and believable stories to back this up.
• Claimed countless times that he played Pokémon Go within Buckingham Palace’s fence line.
• Would disappear many times for “training” and come back with injuries, claiming he cant say much but it was training related, like sparring. He later clarified that these were excursions for job hunting and he’d hit his head. Job hunting doesn’t require a week or more of travel in the UK. The truth is still unknown, but I struggle to believe it’s infidelity due to… Marketability.
• My distant cousin from Wales flirted with me on 23andMe. He threatened him when catching a discrepancy, saying stolen valor has major penalties. The audacity, honestly.
• Said we couldn’t post pictures of our marriage ceremony on social media because of his position.
• We made a friend in a coffee shop, a veteran recently discharged from the American Army. Also a Sergeant. After making friends and exchanging numbers, he never wanted to go back into the coffee shop, always claiming it was a high anxiety day, or he wasn’t dressed for being out in public, so he’d wait in the car.

Life

• I was sent to therapy by an ex for not trusting him around platonic friends, and it later came out that he had dated them. Being gaslit into therapy was traumatizing for me. He knew this. That being said, he sent me to therapy for my trust issues in him because my gut screamed at me about his service and lack of effort around the visa process.
• He forged a document saying he had freehold ownership of the land and home he lived in. When confronted in couples therapy about this, he said that I didn’t understand the UK realty systems and that he owned the home, not the land. That would’ve been a leasehold. The only way to confirm is to call the government, which could land him in jail, fined up to 10k, and evicted. He said to do it. After the session, he said he wanted a divorce.
• Initially “coming clean,” he said he gave up the house to the council for repairs he couldn’t afford around the time he was discharged in 2024. The government page showing ownership implied the council had owned the home for FAR longer.
• He never told his family about our marriage. He never told his family about our marriage. He claimed to tell his sister, as she was the only one he was close to due to abuse and conflicting dynamics. He said he hoped I never met anyone but her. When with me for 3 months, he told his dad he was with me and he said “You’re with who?” as if it were a funny aside.
• He accused me very often of trying to use his past traumas against him when I’d point out a logical fallacy surrounding his judgement of an entire people.
• I went on mental health leave due to caregiver fatigue, work stress, and a multitude of issues. He flew over to help me out. I proceeded to spend 3 months taking care of him like a toddler, cooking every meal, buying every need, getting paid back when possible, but no tabs were kept, doing his laundry and helping to stretch out every piece, every day.
  • I’d asked him when he would cook a dinner, because he once offered, and he was incredibly upset that I’d stress him out like that because he didn’t know how American appliances or measurements worked.
  • I’d asked him to mix a box of Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits with water and cheese- he messed it up and became so anxious that he had to lay down and was upset that I caused it.
  • I asked him to do dishes and I caught him halfway in washing them with clearly marked hand soap.
  • He let me spend half of my mental health leave due to caregiver fatigue- BEING HIS CARETAKER AND BECOMING MORE EXHAUSTED. I cannot stress how hard it is to qualify for such leave in the USA. I was in desperate need. He robbed me of my health and time.
  • He’d even suggested he extend his stay to the maximum legal time, for therapeutic momentum around our communication and trust issues.

I truly hope there will be a day I can trust men again. I really do. All I’ve ever wanted in life was to find my person, have them be as honest and loving as I am to them, and be happy. It really feels like the world is hellbent on sending me just the right people to destroy that hope. I don’t know why I can’t find someone who is as transparent as I am with them.

One thing will always stay true- I will never be afraid to leave once I’m aware that the trust and feeling of safety is gone. I only need to strengthening my skill at telling when that is. With a chaotic upbringing and diagnosed level 1 autism, it’s difficult, but I will never give up.

This post will be updated occasionally as memories unlock.