I’ve been going through another low.
I haven’t gone to the gym in days, my heart just feels like its hanging at my knees.
My clean laundry is my new bedfellow every night.
I haven’t tracked my food intake or kept up with supplements…
I have a massage today and I get to tell her that, like all the others I promised to not be, I didn’t do the calisthenics she recommended and that I was so eager to try.
I’ve been falling into and for strangers that are absolutely not right for me in one way or another.
I just feel so tired all of the time.
I lack hope.
But just like every other slump I’ve fallen into, I will come out. I will find a goal, as I’ve been striving to. My goal is finding a goal… Kind of funny. I will overcome and thrive. The last month, I was closer to who I wanted to be, despite everything. One bad week isn’t everything.
Yes, I wanted to be happily married with kids by now. Married only once, twice at most. I wanted to be a stay at home wife that kept a home perfect and my family fed healthily. I wanted to be the wife and mom that was healthy, fit, social, loved. My image I thought I wanted would have me with an 8 year old right now. Could you imagine?
That version of me had to have had far less to overcome, though, and I need to remember that. The real version of me with an 8 year old would’ve been in a bad marriage with someone who resented me and was cruel. The stay at home wife would’ve been staying with a catfish. The wealthy home owning wife me would’ve been in a picture perfect home that felt like a cruel prison where I was the only one to know how my husband really was.
I’ve endured and overcome to be free right now. Even though, along the way, I forgot how to care for myself and be social, I am free with endless possibility. Sure I look as 34 as I am. Someone will love that. If not, I will be free.
My only true captors are my finances and my inner monologue. This image of what I thought I wanted life to be doesn’t need to be my third captor. That version of life was just a copy paste of other, more confident peoples’ lives anyway- People that haven’t endured what I did, or saw the world like I have. Some are living through misery of their own for the goals they want.
My overall goal? Freedom, happiness, and loving my fellow human. Doing what I can for others.
Maybe I’ll go tackle that laundry pile before the massage appointment.
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